Pet Peeves of the Week
I like to think that I live a relatively happy life. But some things just get to me, so here are my top three pet peeves of the week:
1. Tailgaters & Traffic Jams
My commute to work (yes, I get to drive the beltline every day…) should take me an average of around 20 minutes. Yet, for the last few weeks, I’ve seen this time grow to over an hour and a half. Why? Tailgaters. They are the number one cause of traffic jams and accidents. When they creep up to less than a car length behind the next driver in front of them at over 70 mph, they risk their life and the driver’s life in front of them.
But there isn’t always wreck. We’ve all experienced it, the mysterious traffic jam that has no cause in sight. How the heck did it happen? The tailgater that had to slam on his brakes because the driver in front of him braked gently. This sudden slow down grows at an exponential rate through the line of traffic, much to the same effect that a wave travels through a shaken jump rope.
If any one safety feature is needed on cars these days, it should be an anti-tailgating feature. It’d be pretty easy to incorporate into a modern automobile.
2. Bluetooh Earpieces:
I’ll concede that these BlueTooth earpieces are a heck of a lot more appealing than other wired headsets, and it’s not really the headset that I have a problem with – it’s the people using them.
I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been in a grocery store and rounded the corner to a new isle to see someone staring straight at me and ask some sort of question. I, of course, being the kind gentleman that I am, try to respond only to get a confused look and crippling sense of embarrassment surging through my veins as they carry on their pointless conversation.
And then there are the loud talkers. The people that think they need to shout because their phone is no longer plastered to their head, but conveniently laying in their pocket. But maybe they aren’t trying to project to that phone hidden away, maybe they need the rest of the world to know that they are important enough to warrant a bluetooth earpiece for the cellphone that they over use. Either way, it disrupts the way I do business. I gotta do work.
What the heck did these people do before cell phones?
3. Thorough and Unconditionally Optimistic Away Messages
When I check your away status (and no, I’m not one of those people that thinks checking away messages is a digital pastime), I’m not looking for an intricate list of your daily activities. Nor am I looking for inspirational crap. I just want a reason why you aren’t here or a witty/funny quip. That’s it, keep it simple!
I don’t need to know that you’re going to 3 boring classes in a row and that you plan to eat a pineapple after words. I could care less if your day is super spectacular and your butt shoots daisies when you walk. I’ll take a Mitch Hedberg quote over the “jesus loves us all” and “God’s a pretty cool guy” crap.
But, I guess this unconditional optimism and detailed schedules makes some of us feel important. To that I say if you’re going to post a schedule in your away message, give me something good. Give me great content, something to make my day funnier. For example (and thanks to Paul on this one):
10:00 – 11:00 – Ninja Training
11:00 – 11:04 – Eating ninja sandwich purchased from pirate hooker
11:05 – 0:200 – Fighting the dark forces
02:00 – 07:00 – Digging a moat to keep the Black Knight at bay
07:00 – 09:00 – Fighting a grizzly bear for a salmon
09:00 – 11:00 – Tending to my wounds and sleeping ninja style
Send a messenger pigeon because ninjas don’t use cell phones!
Or instead of the obligatory rainbows and unicorns away message:
Yay for Fridays! It’s such an awesome day, Jesus showed me baby seals and unicorns!
I love you all and hope you have a fabulous day!
Give me a good Mitch Hedberg quote:
My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. “What room are you in?” “1401″ “No you’re not! Jump out the window, you will die earlier!” Because 13 is an unlucky number, right? Well that’s what the letter B should be right, because B looks like a scrunched together 13. “Hello, what is your name?” “Bob” “Get the fuck away!
That’s all I got for now. Next week: McDonalds Filet O’ Fish. I would like the fish filet on
the bun.
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