Motor Homes

When did the American public think it would be a great idea to pack all of their belongings into a mobile monstrosity and take to the roads? It’s like the offenders woke up one day and said, “I want to piss off the rest of the American motorists.” What better way to do so? Pack all of your crap into a giant, slow-moving, gas-guzzling, white-trash moving machine and drive 20 mph under the speed limit, clogging up traffic.

Pack a tent, rent a hotel. It’s cheaper and more fun. There’s no reason to bring your entire kitchen dinette with you on your vacation. At the very least, if you’ve gotta compress your white trash nature into the confines of a mini mobile home, drive the freakin’ speed limit.

Horse Trailers

What could be worse than the aforementioned motor home? Horse trailers. Stupid, slow-moving, foul-smelling horse trailers. “Hey, let’s go 45 mph down the interstate and see how much we can clog up traffic! Say, you’re right, this sounds like a great idea to piss people off!”

Not only do they have the gargantuan trailer, but they’ve gotta have the diesel one-ton spewing foul nitrous oxides into the air. What could be worse? Oh yeah, towing your horse trailer behind the motor home.

Sedate the horse, hang it from the rafters – I don’t care; do what you have to do to be able to drive the speed limit. Buy a motorcycle, ride an ATV, they’re both faster than the horse and they don’t poop.

In China, they don’t tow the horse, they eat it.

Truck Nuts

Could this product scream white trash America any more? As if your truck wasn’t repulsive enough, you’ve gotta go hang a pair of testicles from it. Why don’t you just skip the bullshit and plaster a some “Death to towelheads” and “GWB for life” bumper stickers on your truck? Truck nuts are why the terrorists hate us.

It’s not funny, it’s not clever, it’s just stupid and embarrassing for the rest of us. Unfortunately, kicking your truck in the nuts doesn’t quite have the same effect as kicking you in the nuts, which needs to be done.

Thankfully, some of the American public is lashing out against your truck nuts. Ironically, the state shaped like a giant cock, has banned the display of truck nuts:

Florida Bans Truck Nuts

Let’s hope the rest of the country follows suit.

1. Tailgaters & Traffic Jams

My commute to work (yes, I get to drive the beltline every day…) should take me an average of around 20 minutes. Yet, for the last few weeks, I’ve seen this time grow to over an hour and a half. Why? Tailgaters. They are the number one cause of traffic jams and accidents. When they creep up to less than a car length behind the next driver in front of them at over 70 mph, they risk their life and the driver’s life in front of them.

But there isn’t always wreck. We’ve all experienced it, the mysterious traffic jam that has no cause in sight. How the heck did it happen? The tailgater that had to slam on his brakes because the driver in front of him braked gently. This sudden slow down grows at an exponential rate through the line of traffic, much to the same effect that a wave travels through a shaken jump rope.

If any one safety feature is needed on cars these days, it should be an anti-tailgating feature. It’d be pretty easy to incorporate into a modern automobile.

2. Bluetooh Earpieces:

I’ll concede that these BlueTooth earpieces are a heck of a lot more appealing than other wired headsets, and it’s not really the headset that I have a problem with – it’s the people using them.

I can’t count the number of times that I’ve been in a grocery store and rounded the corner to a new isle to see someone staring straight at me and ask some sort of question. I, of course, being the kind gentleman that I am, try to respond only to get a confused look and crippling sense of embarrassment surging through my veins as they carry on their pointless conversation.

And then there are the loud talkers. The people that think they need to shout because their phone is no longer plastered to their head, but conveniently laying in their pocket. But maybe they aren’t trying to project to that phone hidden away, maybe they need the rest of the world to know that they are important enough to warrant a bluetooth earpiece for the cellphone that they over use. Either way, it disrupts the way I do business. I gotta do work.

What the heck did these people do before cell phones?

3. Thorough and Unconditionally Optimistic Away Messages

When I check your away status (and no, I’m not one of those people that thinks checking away messages is a digital pastime), I’m not looking for an intricate list of your daily activities. Nor am I looking for inspirational crap. I just want a reason why you aren’t here or a witty/funny quip. That’s it, keep it simple!

I don’t need to know that you’re going to 3 boring classes in a row and that you plan to eat a pineapple after words. I could care less if your day is super spectacular and your butt shoots daisies when you walk. I’ll take a Mitch Hedberg quote over the “jesus loves us all” and “God’s a pretty cool guy” crap.

But, I guess this unconditional optimism and detailed schedules makes some of us feel important. To that I say if you’re going to post a schedule in your away message, give me something good. Give me great content, something to make my day funnier. For example (and thanks to Paul on this one):

10:00 – 11:00 – Ninja Training

11:00 – 11:04 – Eating ninja sandwich purchased from pirate hooker

11:05 – 0:200 – Fighting the dark forces

02:00 – 07:00 – Digging a moat to keep the Black Knight at bay

dvd hop

07:00 – 09:00 – Fighting a grizzly bear for a salmon

09:00 – 11:00 – Tending to my wounds and sleeping ninja style

Send a messenger pigeon because ninjas don’t use cell phones!

download bedrooms film high quality

Or instead of the obligatory rainbows and unicorns away message:

Yay for Fridays! It’s such an awesome day, Jesus showed me baby seals and unicorns!

I love you all and hope you have a fabulous day!

Give me a good Mitch Hedberg quote:

My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition, but come on man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. “What room are you in?” “1401″ “No you’re not! Jump out the window, you will die earlier!” Because 13 is an unlucky number, right? Well that’s what the letter B should be right, because B looks like a scrunched together 13. “Hello, what is your name?” “Bob” “Get the fuck away!

That’s all I got for now. Next week: McDonalds Filet O’ Fish. I would like the fish filet on

the bun.